Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A Bad Day

Christmas 2012
What an awful day it was for me today  Why?  Because I was all about me, my suffering, my emotions.  I was not leaving for others.  I was all about feeling my pain.
My husband left us for the second time this year.  First time was several years ago and it was  close to holidays. It was such a shock and so much pain that it was almost the feeling of being numb through the whole thing. Kids and me went to friends for two days in a row and it helped us through the holidays.  By next Christmas I already met my Guru.  Thank you, dear  God!  Suffering was gone.
My ex-husband then came back and I took him back without any conditions, trial periods, whatever.  I was so happy to have a family back together.  He came back as if he never left but only with a lot of anger and meanness.  It was as though he was mad at me that he came back.  Three years later he left again.
This Christmas is the first one when I am sure my family life of 22 years is  gone.  It will never be back.  Now kids need to go in the middle of the day to his place for some great and separate from mine presents;  our used to be mutual friends have to choose where they go on which day and "who is invited where" so I withdrew myself from this "competition."
My son and daughter tried so hard to create a nice Christmas for me.  I was not really able to enjoy it but I will remember this Christmas for the rest of my life.  I saw how much my children cared and how I do not really deserve them.  They are unique and great and loving and I was just so selfish in my grief.
How much is missed with grieving about something that is gone.  Resisting reality makes living difficult.

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