Thursday, February 17, 2011

Ordinary Miracles

Boys ages 12 - 9 helping a 7 y.o. to perfrom for the first time, holding his mic, words, hand.  His mom saying "These boys are amazing.  they stole my heart"
Daughter reading Shakespeare from stage... and dreaming about writing music under the Banyan tree in Bidadi, India
Husband saying 'it is great, you both can go to India to eNgeous programs during summer."
Friend in Moscow watching live TV from India
Girlfriend and I getting tickets to the same airplane.
Son playing a guitar in his room.
Husband planning to take yoga classes.
Girlfriend choosing a violin for Alice...


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Reminder to myself.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
- Mother Teresa

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Enjoying Guru Pooja

I was never into idol worship.  The whole idea seemed strange and unnatural and absolutely unnecessary.
Can't you just connect to God, why do you need all these things in between?
Oh, well...
Not that I can really explain the phenomena myself yet but I am enjoying guru pooja so much recently.   I noticed that my intelligence level is different. If I speak or make a decision after the pooja, some major shifts in how I see things happen.  It is so awesome because I can so clearly and vividly see that  the emotional aspect of the previous decisions, relationships and whatever else wants to constantly interfere and if you just un-clutch (which is awesome too) you do not always see the picture or explanations of people's actions.  After the pooja I see way more and from different perspectives and it creates such a distance between the issues and my emotions.  As a result I can function so much better.  Amazingly better.
Hooray to Guru Pooja!

Friday, February 4, 2011


One of the breakthroughs that I experienced with Nithyananda's teachings was the idea of doing things with intensity, fully experiencing everything.
Up until I was in my twenties,  I never saw a dead body in a casket.  My two grandmothers died, my grandfather died.  I knew about these facts but my mom thought it was too much for a child so I never went to a funeral.  When my aunt died (she was as close to me as my mom and often as a teenager it was much easier to relate to her than mom), I did not feel that loss right away.  It was like processing something but not really getting it.  I remember thinking that what if I went to the funeral and would not be able to cry.  I thought that  poeple would think that I was cold-hearted and did not love my aunt.  As you see the thoughts were about me.  Of course one may say the thoughts and tears are always about ourselves.
Well, no problem was there at the funeral with the tears part.  They just poured and poured and poured.  Once we left though I did not think about her death.  Everything I did was to avoid thinking about it, switch to some positive idea.
Same happened when my stepfather died.  I could not bear the grief.  I could not be in that emotion at all.  I developed some weired allergic reaction.  A year later I went to a doctor out what I was allergic to. My results  on allergies were negative.  He asked: :"Have you had any emotional traumas lately?"  And I said: "No,  I am fine."    He was not so sure and kept asking and even mentioned that we moved to the US last year and suggested that was a reason.  I knew it was not.  He got me thinking though.  In the elevator to the street it hit me.  My step-father, my favourite artist, my friend and god father died a year ago....  I could not believe that I did not even thing about that at the doctors office.  Needless to say that my  tears started pouring again.  By the way I was cured that very moment.  My allergies that I was suffering for about 8 moths dissapeared miraculously.  I continued crying though and even 4 years ago was not able to have a conversation about him without breaking into tears.
Now, my cousin passed away.   I wrote about it in the Good Bye post.   Last four days I have been going in all emotions about him passing away with all intensity possible.  Just as Swamiji told us.    I feel alive and I feel that intense suffering and intense participating in this suffering .....easies the suffering itself.
My brother is in good hands now and soon I will have to see my family for another special ceremony.  I am feeling that I will bring love and compassion and incerdible awareness how special we all are, how we need to cherish each other... here.  I do not have any thoughts that I should have seen him more or should have done whatever more because I had such an incerdible unconditional love for him that there is no unfullfilled or unfinished buisness.  I did realize though that I need to love uncoditionally others so that when death happens, suffering and sadness happens, I would feel the same guilt - free way.  I feel that we shared some time on the planet and we will probably see each other in some other lives but here and now we did our very best.
Sending my love to all my friends and relations  in all parts of the world.
 Let the sadness go away and the joy and bliss of sharing this life be in my heart and soul, be in every muscle, be in every cell of this body.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Good Bye.

I was an only child in my family but I was blessed with two cousins.  One was three years older.  He was from my father's side,  One was  three years younger and he was from my mother's side.
Not having brothers or sisters probably intensified my feelings for both of them.  If my little "brother" was of course annoying sometimes, like all little  brothers can  be, my big "brother" was my hero.  Everything he did seemed perfect : everything ---- as perfect as he was.  I loved my uncle and aunt the same way and even when they were working abroad I could imagine hearing their voices if I wanted. I still can.  I am not trying to say that I was crazy with hearing voices but there were no real phone connections at that time within Russia, forget Australia where my uncle was a consul.
His name was Alexei Ageev.
He was a very kind man with a great sense of humor as everyone from my father's side was.
Once he started loosing hair, he shaved his head and said that "now it would be so much easier to get thoughts from Cosmos". He loved friends and good company, was a great poet, worked in Africa teaching kids for several years.  We graduated from the same University because it was a family tradition to become teachers.  Our grandmother was a great teacher and I guess we were both steered in that direction.  Both of his parents graduated from that school too.
He died three days ago.  He died from flu in Moscow in the 21st century.  Paramedics came  three times and could not figure out that it was a flu in the middle of epidemic of it, in the middle of schools being closed due to it.  They told my aunt that there were no spaces in the hospital and only after she found the connections among doctors they brought him to the hospital.  It was too late.  He was unconscious and died within three days with a complete failure of the lungs.  He did not get to be 50...
My husband was crying next to me.  He did not find any words to support me, his own pain was too much to bear.  My Alesha became a great friend to him.
My brother was not baptized and did not belong to any official religion.  At time like that I wanted to know that someone who spends most of their day connecting to God is praying for him.  Russian Orthodox church can not have a ceremony for a person who is not baptized as I learned.  My friends from Unity will  honor my prayer request, I know for sure.  
And there is a beautiful and uniting place on Earth that is far far from Moscow and US - they accepted the soul of my unbaptized brother and  performed a ceremony for him ---- ashram in India and Nithyananda.  They did not write to me  that   " everything is dust and we come and go", they did not ask me if he was from a Vedic Tradition to have a ceremony for him.   They said "We wish you strength to go through this grief.  We will pray for him in  the Temple.  Swamiji himself will bless him. Please send the picture" and several hours later "Swamiji blessed".
Oh, God!  Thank you for being here for me!  I will cry because I will not see my brother again in this form but I am so grateful that You are holding Us All in Your Hands All the  Time.