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Monday, October 20, 2014

New Born 16 year old or "Broken Wings"

Listen to the song my daughter wrote for her 16th  birthday. "NEW BORN KINGS" 
She met Swamiji when she was 9 years old.  She is 16 now.  She has "wings".  By the way, she is not the only one.  Every teen whom I met in the programs that my Guru conducts has the same spirit that Life is a Possibility.
How about you, my dear Reader?  Do you still remember the excitement to start living your own life?  So many of us after experiencing difficulties or disappointments decided that these "wings" are not real, that we can not do what we wanted to do because life is not about that; that life is a burden and you are a little part in a huge mechanism where you are supposed to follow the rules that others create for you, you need to shrink a little to fit somewhere, to be accepted and approved.   If you are not following the rules, then something is going to be wrong. It is dangerous.  By the way, we are in fact parts of a very huge thing but we need to be open and creative and innovative and loving to experience our true nature and potential.  In this energy, individual creativity is not a threat but a design itself.    The rules in this energy are very different.  They are not about steps that sound like this: " You need to get this degree, to get this job; you need go to bed at 9:30pm; you need to eat this …. or you are doomed etc."  Ok, I am exaggerating a little but I still have conversations with my mom sometimes that being a vegetarian is not a good thing because ……whatever.  Real rules though are answered by these questions:  "Are you authentic when you do this?  Are you in integrity with this? Are you responsible when yo do this?  Were you enriching when you did this?"
We stopped questioning the rules that society gave us and started believing that what we felt as teens was just a childish fantasy.   We stopped believing that we carry same energy that created the Universe.  We feel we do great as parents when we  make sure that everyone is safe.
Teens feel that this is not true.  They fight against our ideas.  Some of them will loose the battle and become just like us. Later in life they might regret that they lost that battle or they become "wise" and think that everyone looses that battle and life that is full for possibilities is only for some very rare people.
Some will continue to fight in their heads with their parents and become a little weird and often misplaced adults.  Then the first group looks at this group and just confirms that they were right. It goes on and on and on.
I am thrilled that there is a place where our teens can learn to live without  "broken wing" philosophy.  It means they have a chance to get out of this endless circle and LIVE.
As for me - I am still alive and my mind is functioning so I have a chance to wake up from this endless circle as so have you …. that is very good news. ;) Alice's songNEW BORN KINDS    Swamiji's website 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Broken Shoulder or "I am loved" :)

This happened on November 27, 2013.
I am still only in a process of recovery from this accident and although it is painful I would not miss this experience and if I were asked to change the past so that the break of my shoulder would not have happened, I would say No, No way.
I was meeting my son and his girlfriend at the parking lot and when I was taking things from one car to another, my car started rolling back and I tried to hold it with my arm.  I know, I know, that was really stupid.  I agree completely.  Why on earth I had an idea that I could hold a car that weighs…..Anyway, I fell.   I actually had a weird feeling of "giving up".  Not sure I  can better describe it.    Then it was an sharp pain in my right shoulder.   My car was heading to hit other cars on the parking lot but my son came to the rescue, jumped in and stopped that moving machine...
I remembered right away the techniques Swamij taught us when he broke his arm and how we need to look into the pain and breath into it and not avoid the pain but explore with curiosity.  I started doing all that and the pain subsided.  My son was kind enough to insist on going to ER to check it.
We went to a nearby hospital.   I found a good body position that made me almost pain free and we were chatting in the ER with my son.  I felt really bad that my son missed seeing his friends and he kept saying that I should relax because when we would ever find time just to sit and chat with each other.  He was funny and sweet and caring and I kept thinking that I was so blessed by having him around and sitting with me and telling me jokes.
No one paid much attention to us because I looked comfortable and the nurses told me that it could not possibly be a break because I would have been in much more pain.  I was happy;  not a serious accident was a diagnosis I was looking for.  I loved the joke one of the nurses made when she heard a story.  She said: "Let me check the back of your shirt.  Does it have the letter "S" on it?"  She was making a joke about Superwoman.  Funny.
The scene changed drastically after they did x-rays.  Everyone started running around and brought me strong pain killers.  Turned out it was a full break.
Next day I spent with my son, my daughter, my son's girlfriend and her family.  It was Thanksgiving and all I could think was how awesome that I had all these people for this day.  Kids would constantly ask if I were ok and that amount of attention was healing the shoulder on its own.  I am divorced and I noticed that I feel lonely during the holidays.  22 years of being with one person is a lot of years, recovery takes  time.  Anyway, next day my close friends invited us and again I felt love and care and I was thinking that I knew that I had all that support in my life but experiencing it was extraordinary .
Next day another unexpected surprise.  A former class mate whom I saw for a brief moment 13 years ago at the high school reunion was visiting his friends in New Jersey and came to see me for one day.
That one day turned into a month of help and healing for me.  All I could do during this month was sleep (often while sitting because lying down was painful) and go to the doctors who would confirm with an x ray that all was in place, no surgery required and I just needed to keep being still…
My childhood friend said, he needed a break from his routine and helping me was awesome.  He discovered life in a different country and had an opportunity to think about his own life.
OMG!  He was thankful (!) that he could help me.  OMG> OMG>OMG.
I think my lesson is that there is no way I can plan or prepare for all the happenings in my life but God (my Guru :) :) :) always has a way of being with me.  God comes in the faces of the children, in the care of the friends, in the situations that look painful but turn out to be the best possible thing for you.
By the way, my December and all the holidays this year were the best holidays of at least the last ten years of my life.  My house was full of friends and family and gifts and I was just there to witness it all. Even cooking was not required on my part!
God shows up in our life in the form that is the most beneficial and easy for us to accept because we are part of Him, because he is here 24x7.

30 seconds!

My daughter was finishing her 8th grade and the main question was how to continue with her high school education.  So many questions! Should we stay where we were for her high school years, should we look for a different school district, and if yes where and what to look for.
During one of our trips Alice spoke to Swamiji and asked him for a support with a career in the arts.
I have to tell you that I am well aware about the "practical thinking" that says that the career of a doctor or a lawyer is a much more sure thing than something with the arts.  Only it feels like creating out of limitations vs inspiration.
One thing I realize that as a parent I should be striving only to create support structure for my children to be their highest possibility.  I have no right to give them my own ideas that come from my fears or lack of confidence.  Swamiji calls them "incompletions". I was not born with my incompletions, I accumulated them with or without help of others so they are certainly not true.
My dream was to help my children grow up with "wings".  Parents have no right to "cut" the wings because it is "safer".   What is safe by the way?  No one comes out of life alive…Just kidding...
Anyway, everything after we made a decision to find a school started happening so fast!!!  It was as if Life itself just waited for the signal to fulfill whatever we were planning.
All arts schools worth looking into required an audition.  Portfolio of work was necessary.  This part deserved a separate post I think but opening that happened in my daughter during that process was awesome.  She created a lot of beautiful art and it turned out she was a great photographer as well.  If we ever find time to put out all her art I will post links here.
Anyway, another thing was to find an apartment that would give us the "right address" to apply for all these public schools.  The search for a place started.  We lived about 1,5 away from the city and coming to check the apartments was a bit of a time issue.  Another thing was that everything was happening so fast in the city.  You look at the place and in a couple of hours it is gone.  Different life style, different pace and quite expensive too.  I made a couple of trips and had an idea of what it is .  So one day I came to the city thinking that today is the day that it would happen.  Of course I asked Swamiji to help me during my morning pooja meditation.  During my previous trips I saw places with the windows facing brick walls and crooked floors.  It felt that with this price range I could not find anything much better.  
On that trip the apartment had two windows facing a tennis court in a great part of town, and $300 under  the market price.  I loved it.  My agent and I went to the office to leave a deposit.  Actually the agent went and I started driving back to New Jersey.  No rush I thought.  Good place and if it is really good for us, Swamiji will hold it.  :) :) :)
 I got a call from the agent five minutes later that the management was ready to sign the lease but I need to come back right away.  I started turning back and …took a wrong turn and found myself crossing the bridge.  My agent kept calling and asking if I was on my way.  I was annoyed and thought to myself that people in New York were so pushy.  I was driving after all!  Finally he said :"Step on It" and I though to myself that I would never deal with this person again and kept driving back.  When I stopped in front the building. my agent was there waiting, he said three words "Run. Forth Floor"  I continued thinking that he was crazy and went to the building.  The worker was holding an elevator for me.  I arrived at the forth floor and asked: "Is this a rental place?"  There was a lady sitting in the waiting room and several people came out to look at me.
Well, this is what was happening while I was getting lost.  My agent had only $500 out of $1000 deposit.  Another person showed up with all paperwork ready and the full amount right after my agent came.  The management told my agent that if I came back before 4:45 they would give me the apartment and if not, the other lady would get it.  I showed up 30 seconds before the time was up.  Everyone laughed and I felt it was such a happy miracle.
Anyway, Alice got into the arts school in the department of graphics and illustration and later  got accepted into the Photography club at the ICP as a freshman.  We are now enjoying life in the city and miracles keep happening.
Often people say that it is not your Guru who helps but your own internal set up that creates it.  I would say, whatever but I certainly enjoy the feeling of being watched over. :) :) :)

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A Bad Day

Christmas 2012
What an awful day it was for me today  Why?  Because I was all about me, my suffering, my emotions.  I was not leaving for others.  I was all about feeling my pain.
My husband left us for the second time this year.  First time was several years ago and it was  close to holidays. It was such a shock and so much pain that it was almost the feeling of being numb through the whole thing. Kids and me went to friends for two days in a row and it helped us through the holidays.  By next Christmas I already met my Guru.  Thank you, dear  God!  Suffering was gone.
My ex-husband then came back and I took him back without any conditions, trial periods, whatever.  I was so happy to have a family back together.  He came back as if he never left but only with a lot of anger and meanness.  It was as though he was mad at me that he came back.  Three years later he left again.
This Christmas is the first one when I am sure my family life of 22 years is  gone.  It will never be back.  Now kids need to go in the middle of the day to his place for some great and separate from mine presents;  our used to be mutual friends have to choose where they go on which day and "who is invited where" so I withdrew myself from this "competition."
My son and daughter tried so hard to create a nice Christmas for me.  I was not really able to enjoy it but I will remember this Christmas for the rest of my life.  I saw how much my children cared and how I do not really deserve them.  They are unique and great and loving and I was just so selfish in my grief.
How much is missed with grieving about something that is gone.  Resisting reality makes living difficult.

Miracle on th 34th street/Indian Version

From 2010...
Paramahamsa Nithyananda is going to a Bangalore Court  to officially declare that he is God.  He says if they want to argue, he would enjoy a debate.  He says  this is the land of Advait  God realization is a birth right of every human.
He follows Upanishad that every human being is God.  He also will create a precedent to help enlighten Masters who are under different attacks in India nowadays. 
He tries to inspire Indians to protect their culture and rich traditions instead of following somebody elses.  I am sure he will create and actually already has created a lot of tension.  Along with tension he will create inspiration.  It feels that awakening is happening in the society.  We will see what comes out of this.
This whole thing reminded me about the movie "Miracle on the 34th street" and how New York was voting if  Santa existed or not.  New Yorkers decided that yes, Santa was real and it was their right to believe and they won the trial in the movie.  It is a very sweet movie.   What will happen in India?

Note on the computer

From the Fall 2010.  Returning from the ashram after LEP (Living Enlightenment Program)

I opened my computer on the plane after leaving the ashram to make notes about my last few days in the program.  It is always great to write down things right away  before beautiful things fade away .  When I  opened my computer the note popped up:
            RADIATE your Enlightenment. Live Enlightenment. 
            You are now divine Ambassador, and He is always with you.
                                    So what is there to worry about????
I did not write that note and this note did not get mystically on my computer.  I made a great friend there, I wrote about this young fellow several times. His name is Paul, he is my son's age.   He just wanted to remind me...