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Monday, November 7, 2011

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he....or A note about relationships

I spent last weekend at the Paramahamsa Nithyananda workshop on relationship.
OMG.  I needed this workshop  big time. My marriage life puzzles me often.
I have been married twice.  My first marriage was not that successful but it was definitely a very friendly and emotionally easy relationship.   Back then in Russia the only real way for a girl to become independent from parents was to get married so you can move out.  I got married at 19 and moved out.   I loved my husband though since seventh grade.  I also was brought up in a way  that getting  married was the only way to go.  Anyway, divorce happened after ten years and … I remarried.  I love my husband.  We first spoke on the phone and there was something in the timbre  of his voice that I called my girlfriend right away and told her that a new adult student was starting with me but there was something about the sound of his voice that I felt he was very special.  Well, he turned out to be really good looking, very smart and kind.  Soon I was happily married for the second time thinking that now I figured it out. ..Right…We have been married for almost 18 years by now.   Not a smooth ride :  we changed countries, separated, got back together.    It has been difficult and confusing especially after separation.  It is funny at times too. 
My husband nowadays never says that I look good.  I often wonder if he is still attracted to me.  Sometimes I think to myself that maybe he stays with unattractive woman because he thinks it is the right thing to do.  Who knows..  He says that he forgot how to compliment.   Well, when I meet people in our small town who know both of us, they say: ”Oh, how lucky you are to be married to him.  He always has something nice to say or some sweet compliment and he notices everything!”    I know that they are describing the guy I married long time ago.  He does not live in my house at this time.    He lives in the stores, in the streets, at work, with friends when we go out.
When I went to this workshop all I knew was that I NEED HELP.    I have a dream about a partnership that is filled with care, friendliness, friendship, compassion and physical enjoyment, I mean “love”.    The big question is:
Is it really possible to change the relationship just on one side?  Is it possible for a successful marriage to be a one way street?  How about if an enlightenment master is helping?
We change.  The person whom we married many years ago changed too.  We have different perspectives; we tell different sides of stories and express different points of view.  
Can people be in a fulfilling relationship if these differences are there?  What about eating different foods?  How about liking different movies?  Books?  Friends? 
What is that people are sharing that is mandatory for success and what is irrelevant?
My husband always tells me that since I am a spiritual person, I am expected to be better and grow as a person all the time.  So I try.   I also noticed that once a person starts on a spiritual path, everyone has the right to say “well, look at yourself, you should not be upset, you say you meditate”.
 I feel I became softer and more understanding but the demands of me keep changing which of course pushes my growth and keeps breaking my ego but it is hard to be in that “bootcamp” all the time. 
Another story: last week my two wonderful family members were explaining to me that the way I look at them when I am upset is upsetting them.  Yes, you read it right.  I express the fact that I am upset though my …eyes.  And so they told me that I have “to change it and to watch it” because I can “kill with my eyes” and better not to look at them when I am upset and look somewhere to the side.  …..Really?  I will try.
So it is clearly expected of a spiritual person to be more tolerant and at the same time it gives that extra point in any discussion to mention that this poor spiritual soul is not good enough … still. 
Maybe we do need to “dance with those who want to dance with us or we need to learn the same dance so we move to the same tune?”  I want to say that same spiritual values make any conversation easy. 
At the workshop we were doing the processes of changing our mental patterns that were formed during childhood with moms' and dads' help.  Swamiji was working on our biomemory.  At the end of the process the girl who was my partner for the exercise said : ”I choose to accept my husband the way he is.  He is that way because he is that way.”    This was so awesome and I wrote the same thing in my notebook.  She then thought for a second and said: “No, actually I choose to accept all people the way they are”  ………………………..
Swamiji was loving and compassionate and patient in answering the questions and listening to the same story over and over and then he gave us his blessings.  I know that my patterns had left or are leaving and I am so happy to say  “good buy” to them...

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