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Friday, February 4, 2011

Intensely

One of the breakthroughs that I experienced with Nithyananda's teachings was the idea of doing things with intensity, fully experiencing everything.
Up until I was in my twenties,  I never saw a dead body in a casket.  My two grandmothers died, my grandfather died.  I knew about these facts but my mom thought it was too much for a child so I never went to a funeral.  When my aunt died (she was as close to me as my mom and often as a teenager it was much easier to relate to her than mom), I did not feel that loss right away.  It was like processing something but not really getting it.  I remember thinking that what if I went to the funeral and would not be able to cry.  I thought that  poeple would think that I was cold-hearted and did not love my aunt.  As you see the thoughts were about me.  Of course one may say the thoughts and tears are always about ourselves.
Well, no problem was there at the funeral with the tears part.  They just poured and poured and poured.  Once we left though I did not think about her death.  Everything I did was to avoid thinking about it, switch to some positive idea.
Same happened when my stepfather died.  I could not bear the grief.  I could not be in that emotion at all.  I developed some weired allergic reaction.  A year later I went to a doctor out what I was allergic to. My results  on allergies were negative.  He asked: :"Have you had any emotional traumas lately?"  And I said: "No,  I am fine."    He was not so sure and kept asking and even mentioned that we moved to the US last year and suggested that was a reason.  I knew it was not.  He got me thinking though.  In the elevator to the street it hit me.  My step-father, my favourite artist, my friend and god father died a year ago....  I could not believe that I did not even thing about that at the doctors office.  Needless to say that my  tears started pouring again.  By the way I was cured that very moment.  My allergies that I was suffering for about 8 moths dissapeared miraculously.  I continued crying though and even 4 years ago was not able to have a conversation about him without breaking into tears.
Now, my cousin passed away.   I wrote about it in the Good Bye post.   Last four days I have been going in all emotions about him passing away with all intensity possible.  Just as Swamiji told us.    I feel alive and I feel that intense suffering and intense participating in this suffering .....easies the suffering itself.
My brother is in good hands now and soon I will have to see my family for another special ceremony.  I am feeling that I will bring love and compassion and incerdible awareness how special we all are, how we need to cherish each other... here.  I do not have any thoughts that I should have seen him more or should have done whatever more because I had such an incerdible unconditional love for him that there is no unfullfilled or unfinished buisness.  I did realize though that I need to love uncoditionally others so that when death happens, suffering and sadness happens, I would feel the same guilt - free way.  I feel that we shared some time on the planet and we will probably see each other in some other lives but here and now we did our very best.
Sending my love to all my friends and relations  in all parts of the world.
 Let the sadness go away and the joy and bliss of sharing this life be in my heart and soul, be in every muscle, be in every cell of this body.

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